You may have noticed that the term “narcissistic” is being thrown around a lot lately across television, the news, and social media. At Forward Emotion, our therapists specialize in healing from narcissistic relationships so we thought we’d share some key takeaways to better understand that term.
What comes to mind when you hear the word “narcissist?” Ego maniac, manipulative, vain, conceited, and lack of empathy are just a few common descriptions. However, the spectrum of traits can range from normal to dysfunctional to pathological.
Let’s start with the general definition of narcissism. It’s defined as excessive self-involvement that causes a person to ignore the needs of others. With that general definition, you might even wonder if you are narcissistic.
Well, we would tell you that everyone can be narcissistic at times. It’s part of human nature and can ebb and flow with life circumstances. For example, children and teens can be narcissistic in the sense that they feel that their needs and wants are more important than the needs of others. A toddler DOES believe that the world revolves around them, as they should. Other times in life we can be viewed as ‘narcissistic’ in the sense that our needs ARE more important than the needs of others. This happens when we are experiencing pain in some way, whether that be physical or emotional. We can also be viewed as narcissistic on important days of our lives such as a wedding or graduation. The main point here is that the behavior is not constant. It changes with growth, development, and life circumstances. That is what normal or healthy narcissism is.
As narcissistic abuse therapists that help clients who have been in narcissistic relationships heal and recover, we are referring to unhealthy narcissism that is dysfunctional and often pathological in nature. This kind of narcissism is consistent and repetitive. It rarely ebbs and flows or changes with life circumstances. The disregard for the wants and needs of others happens repeatedly and fairly consistently.
There are specific traits of narcissism defined by the American Psychiatric Association as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitive behavior
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of themself
- A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
Unfortunately, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is rarely diagnosed as these individuals avoid putting themselves in situations where they would be scrutinized. Forward Emotion therapists work with clients who have been impacted by being in relationships where their needs and wants have been discounted, ignored, and blatantly rejected. It’s important to understand that there are two main types of narcissism and that a lack of a diagnosis doesn’t lessen the impact of narcissist behavior. The overt and grandiose narcissist (what you tend to see on tv) and the covert and vulnerable type (which is much more difficult to detect since it is quite ambiguous).
Overt/Grandiose Type:
- Externalize issues
- High self-esteem/self-worth
- Self-liking
- Denial of weaknesses
- Fantasies about superiority, beauty, and perfection
- Aggressive, manipulative, exploitive, and antisocial behavior
- Behaviors are overtly exhibited
Covert/Vulnerable Type
- Internalize issues
- Low self-esteem/self-worth
- Self-criticism
- Sensitive to rejection & criticism
- Hypersensitivity and depressed affect
- Feel shame/embarrassment at the need for perfection
- Social avoidance/withdrawal due to fear of rejection
- Behaviors are covertly exhibited
How does this play out in relationships? Overt narcissistic people tend to make a really confident and charming first impression while covert narcissistic people can seem shy, kind, and mistreated. When they don’t get what they want, they can become aggressive, violent, and intimidating. They can be passive-aggressive or downright cold and cruel. Manipulation is their primary game. This can show up in a few ways: gaslighting, projection, guilt-tripping, silent treatment, negative humor, pretend ignorance, victimhood where the finger always points to others, constant criticism, tantrum-throwing, exaggeration, and lying.
No matter how obvious this may seem when written out, these manipulative games can be tough to recognize when in the relationship, especially when it started out so much differently. Some of the residual impacts on their relations can include self-doubt, fear/paranoia, feelings of “I’m losing my mind,” low self-esteem, lack of trust in self and others, walking on eggshells to prevent tantrums, and shame or guilt for allowing things to happen and not “knowing better.”
If this sounds like the dynamic of a relationship in your life, there are ways to improve the situation, especially if it’s a relationship that’s tough to walk away from (like family members). The most important thing is to recognize what they are. Learn to understand their types of manipulation. Learning to trust your instincts is one of the main skills needed to protect yourself in these kinds of relationships.
Learning how to set and hold boundaries is another step toward healing and moving on to healthier relationships. Hoping that they will change is not going to work. Forgive yourself for the red flags missed and any shame you may feel. Learn to love and trust yourself as you rebuild your intuition and open up to other healthier relationships that are possible.
Interested in learning more about how narcissism plays a role in your life? Check out our founder’s I Grew Strong: Narcissistic Recovery Program, or book an appointment with our narcissistic abuse therapists at Forward Emotion by calling 630-999-8236 or emailing us at info@forwardemotion.com.
Sources:
American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5
